Not nearly as funny as that post I wrote about buying condoms on self-serve, but hell, this is advice we all need.
1. The real basics: shopping centres have cops in the carparks these days, and fat security guards that probably aren’t that smart but definitely bigger than you. Pick a busy day, don’t look shifty, etc. As much as I’d prefer not to judge, being an old woman is your easiest disguise (Ruth gave good advice in Six Feet Under). You also need props: other shopping bags to put the things you’re stealing, a few cheap items you buy to get through the registers (a coke, chocolate bar, the newspaper etc) and maybe an accomplice.
2. Choose your prize. This means ruling out all items that attract attention (big things like TV’s DUH unless its Boxing Day cos apparently five or so got stolen through self serve last year LOLZ). The trick is to avoid anything with a magnetic barcode: expensive underwear (is the barcode thick? A bit silvery? If it is, rip the sticker off, the barcode is magnetic and will beep), doona covers/sheets, cosmetics (foundation/creams etc), apple accessories (commonly stolen). Of course, stealing anything with these codes is do-able, you just have to find yourself a nice corner that isn’t monitored by the TVs. And no staff members around. Things without magnetic barcodes: most clothing, appliances (check though), cds, jewellery, any packaged food items (not to be sniffed at, Lindt chocolates are not cheap!), books…most things really.
3. Step 2 is about choosing wisely to avoid detection once you’ve stolen the item, but you do have to make it past the self-serve machine. Usually when you first start scanning there is an option for ‘own bag’…what this does is re-set the weight of the machine, allowing you to put as much shit on it as you like. For instance, if you rock up with a ‘green bag’ you can dump a bunch of things you’ve stolen and say you bought them somewhere else. If you try and place what you want to steal in the bagging area without scanning THE MACHINE WILL DETECT YOU AND HAVE A MELTDOWN BECAUSE IT RECOGNIZES AN UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA. Don’t don’t do it, folks.
What to do: hide the item in another bag. Or, if its too big, the next best option is to work in pairs. Have a friend use another one of the machines at the same time as you, and this friend will have to pretend to buy ridiculous things like 10 slabs of coke or nappies or washing detergent - anything big that causes weight problems on the machines will do. Your friend will not have to buy anything - they just have to get so pissed off and say they’ll ’go to a normal register’ and then walk out, plenty of people do this. You will leave the item/s you want to steal on the side unscanned, and then while your friend is arguing with the attendant, walk out without paying. Make sure another customer/staff member isn’t watching you either, but that’s usually not a problem because everyone is too busy yelling at their own self-serve machine to notice.
4. Get the fuck out of the shopping centre IMMEDIATELY. Park your car close. We have security cameras on the self-serve machines now (though they’re not really monitored), and we have plain-clothed security people running all over. If you’re smart enough to steal something, you should be smart enough to know this.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
My love affair with the trumpet
In grade 4 I started to play the trumpet. Originally I wanted to play the clarinet, but, because I only have seven fingers (and two thumbs!) I couldn't. So, the music teacher at our primary school suggested the trumpet, because to play the trumpet you use three fingers on your right hand and that's it. At the time my mother was of the opinion that "oh well maybe you just shouldn't learn an instrument" but the music teacher at school basically sold the idea to me and I had a few lessons. I loved it, and my parents bought me a cheap Yamaha trumpet to last a few more years (It was mine! All mine! With a new mouthpiece! And a music stand! And a cleaning kit! It was so exciting at the time...)
High school: continued with lessons. Apparently I'd learned some 'bad habits' and I had to start afresh again, but whatever. It was fun. I joined the Year 7-9 Symphonic Orchestra and soon after the Stage Band. About 3 of 5 lunchtimes per week were taken up my Brass Ensemble/lessons/Symphonic Winds rehearsals and so on. The symphonic orchestra was less fun for brass instruments...we were usually the naughty kids at the back passing Natural Confectionary lollies to each other and making fun of the fat kids who for some reason always played the flute. Often our (celiac, vegetarian and well liked by all) brass teacher would advocate for a brass tutorial because it was 'boring as shit' when the saxophones stuffed up so much.
IN YEAR NINE I GOT A BACH TR200 it was amazing. My mother actually liked the trumpet by then, apart from when I practiced the scales (the number of times I played Dos Gardienias just to please my mother is embarrassing). My sudden appreciation for live jazz music fueled my mother's interest in jazz (What are you talking about Elizabeth? I've been listening to PBS on Saturday mornings for years, I'm going to subscribe this year...) and we've been to about twenty Cat Empire concerts since (how Melbourne of us). Ros Irwin gave us a tutorial once, subsquently my mother told everyone she knew. We played at Dizzy's before it moved, we went to Mount Gambia Jazz Festival and saw James Morrison play, and IT WAS ALL GOOD FUN. My high-school music teacher's husband was in the Navy Band and so we had their band came to the 'Big Band Night' and MY DAD EVEN STAYED FOR THE WHOLE THING (OMG).
Year 12: The trombone player and I were Co-Captains of the Stage Band. This involved ocassionally deciding which pieces we were to play at various performances and more often finding band members that were trying to wag lunchtime rehearsals. We got a badge on our blazer! And music colours! The stuck-up boys at Brighton Grammar totally envied how laid-back and awesome we were. We got to play Birdland and Norah Jones covers and WE HAD A SINGER AND THEY DIDN'T and we were just so much more awesome in so many ways. I was sad to see my school-band life goodbye, but it wasn't the end of the world...my music teacher and I are now Facebook friends and she's created a Facebook group for us all. She posts highly entertaining status updates for a woman in her early 40's, too including: "feeling fantastic after 40 vodkas"...gotta love having ex-teachers on Facebook.
Five years later: Haven't played much trumpet since. There was a brief flirtation with an RMIT band in First Year, Second Semester, but it was a long way into the city and we didn't play much. Plus, it was mainly mature-aged students and then me. I FEEL SO SAD THAT I DON'T PLAY THE TRUMPET ANYMORE. The case is still in the corner of my room.
High school: continued with lessons. Apparently I'd learned some 'bad habits' and I had to start afresh again, but whatever. It was fun. I joined the Year 7-9 Symphonic Orchestra and soon after the Stage Band. About 3 of 5 lunchtimes per week were taken up my Brass Ensemble/lessons/Symphonic Winds rehearsals and so on. The symphonic orchestra was less fun for brass instruments...we were usually the naughty kids at the back passing Natural Confectionary lollies to each other and making fun of the fat kids who for some reason always played the flute. Often our (celiac, vegetarian and well liked by all) brass teacher would advocate for a brass tutorial because it was 'boring as shit' when the saxophones stuffed up so much.
IN YEAR NINE I GOT A BACH TR200 it was amazing. My mother actually liked the trumpet by then, apart from when I practiced the scales (the number of times I played Dos Gardienias just to please my mother is embarrassing). My sudden appreciation for live jazz music fueled my mother's interest in jazz (What are you talking about Elizabeth? I've been listening to PBS on Saturday mornings for years, I'm going to subscribe this year...) and we've been to about twenty Cat Empire concerts since (how Melbourne of us). Ros Irwin gave us a tutorial once, subsquently my mother told everyone she knew. We played at Dizzy's before it moved, we went to Mount Gambia Jazz Festival and saw James Morrison play, and IT WAS ALL GOOD FUN. My high-school music teacher's husband was in the Navy Band and so we had their band came to the 'Big Band Night' and MY DAD EVEN STAYED FOR THE WHOLE THING (OMG).
Year 12: The trombone player and I were Co-Captains of the Stage Band. This involved ocassionally deciding which pieces we were to play at various performances and more often finding band members that were trying to wag lunchtime rehearsals. We got a badge on our blazer! And music colours! The stuck-up boys at Brighton Grammar totally envied how laid-back and awesome we were. We got to play Birdland and Norah Jones covers and WE HAD A SINGER AND THEY DIDN'T and we were just so much more awesome in so many ways. I was sad to see my school-band life goodbye, but it wasn't the end of the world...my music teacher and I are now Facebook friends and she's created a Facebook group for us all. She posts highly entertaining status updates for a woman in her early 40's, too including: "feeling fantastic after 40 vodkas"...gotta love having ex-teachers on Facebook.
Five years later: Haven't played much trumpet since. There was a brief flirtation with an RMIT band in First Year, Second Semester, but it was a long way into the city and we didn't play much. Plus, it was mainly mature-aged students and then me. I FEEL SO SAD THAT I DON'T PLAY THE TRUMPET ANYMORE. The case is still in the corner of my room.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
picture & youtube post.
I've been taking out my camera a lil' to take a few pictures, mostly for the benefit of tumblr. But anyway, a few are worth putting here.
1. The Apple & Walnut Scroll. Love of my life, I swear.
2. The collection of books I've hoarded & yet to read. There's 19 books in total:
3. Another Big W complaint: "I hate it when customers put their debit/credit/other card in their mouth, and then proceed to hand it to you to swipe the EFTPOS machine. I’m gonna go all Summer Roberts and say: eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. No wonder I’ve got sick more than ever in the last four years I’ve been a checkout chick."
4. Q-Tip "The Renaissance" is my new favourite chilled R & B/"jazz rap" cd. I've been a few of A Tribe Called Quest for years, so why has it taken me ages to get into Q-Tip's solo stuff?(really on this cd as yet). Oh, and don't worry, I'm still quite attached to D'Angelo, he even features on track 11, yay!
5. Lessons in life from my Leadership in Social Work & Human Services course
Reference: Cashman, K. (2008), Leadership from the inside out: Becoming a leader for life, 2nd edn, Berrett-Koehler Publications, San Francisco…
***and by doing a google search, it seems that you too can read the chapter I read here
1. The Apple & Walnut Scroll. Love of my life, I swear.
2. The collection of books I've hoarded & yet to read. There's 19 books in total:
3. Another Big W complaint: "I hate it when customers put their debit/credit/other card in their mouth, and then proceed to hand it to you to swipe the EFTPOS machine. I’m gonna go all Summer Roberts and say: eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. No wonder I’ve got sick more than ever in the last four years I’ve been a checkout chick."
4. Q-Tip "The Renaissance" is my new favourite chilled R & B/"jazz rap" cd. I've been a few of A Tribe Called Quest for years, so why has it taken me ages to get into Q-Tip's solo stuff?(really on this cd as yet). Oh, and don't worry, I'm still quite attached to D'Angelo, he even features on track 11, yay!
5. Lessons in life from my Leadership in Social Work & Human Services course
Reference: Cashman, K. (2008), Leadership from the inside out: Becoming a leader for life, 2nd edn, Berrett-Koehler Publications, San Francisco…
***and by doing a google search, it seems that you too can read the chapter I read here
Monday, August 8, 2011
R.I.P pages on Facebook? Really?
What is the deal with these teenagers that create 'R.I.P _______' pages on Facebook? Having worked with a number of kids that are barely out of highschool, a number of these pages have popped up in my newsfeed. Only out of boredom, I've clicked on the link only to find that the page has gained over 200 fans in fifteen minutes. If you're bored enough to read the wall posts (I am), it just gets scarier:
"OMG! I neva new u but I think u were in my sisters year level or sumthing? this is so sad. Hope ur family is alright'.
Oh, and if you're really popular, you even have multiple R.I.P pages!!!
It kind of sickens me. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to make a page like that for me if I died. It's completely inappropriate, and just seems, I don't know, insensitive? Is it because it's easier to log onto facebook than it is to lodge a notice with the Herald Sun? (I'm being judgemental: the demographic of people who create these pages surely don't read The Age). I don't really have an argument as for why these pages are inappropriate - there's LOTS of inappropriate pages on Facebook - but the people who create these pages seem to have forgotten that once something's on the Internet, it stays there. Forever. Another girl I'm friends on Facebook with updated her status on with 'R.I.P ___' (it was her mother) and I although I wouldn't do this myself, I wasn't offended by it. I guess it's a quick way of telling everyone you know without having to go through the pain of telling sort of friends/acquaintances that someone close to you died. So that's ok by me, except of course a number of people (family members, close friends of the person who has passed etc) would of course be told in person or at least via phone.
But people even liked this status update!!! And wrote 'omg what happened' and expected the girl to answer, over Facebook! If one of my close friend's relatives died, I would send them a text-message & then a card. Flowers & visits etc depending on how close the friend was etc. I wouldn't send them a Facebook message! If a close relative of mine died I imagine I would be so distraught I would do nothing but lie in bed listening to my iPod all day (then again I'm fairly addicted to social networking websites so I probably shouldn't speak so soon).
All that being said, I wouldn't mind if someone changed my status to 'is dead'...but given that I don't leave myself logged onto facebook anywhere, even on my personal laptop, I doubt that would happen. Actually, Facebook needs to create something for when someone DOES die on Facebook, so that their Facebook page can be deleted if/when no-one has access to their password and such. Surely it must cause pain for some people, just seeing it there.
Anyone want to write an email to Mark Zuckerberg for me? I've exhausted my complaints email abilities enough for one day :(
"OMG! I neva new u but I think u were in my sisters year level or sumthing? this is so sad. Hope ur family is alright'.
Oh, and if you're really popular, you even have multiple R.I.P pages!!!
It kind of sickens me. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to make a page like that for me if I died. It's completely inappropriate, and just seems, I don't know, insensitive? Is it because it's easier to log onto facebook than it is to lodge a notice with the Herald Sun? (I'm being judgemental: the demographic of people who create these pages surely don't read The Age). I don't really have an argument as for why these pages are inappropriate - there's LOTS of inappropriate pages on Facebook - but the people who create these pages seem to have forgotten that once something's on the Internet, it stays there. Forever. Another girl I'm friends on Facebook with updated her status on with 'R.I.P ___' (it was her mother) and I although I wouldn't do this myself, I wasn't offended by it. I guess it's a quick way of telling everyone you know without having to go through the pain of telling sort of friends/acquaintances that someone close to you died. So that's ok by me, except of course a number of people (family members, close friends of the person who has passed etc) would of course be told in person or at least via phone.
But people even liked this status update!!! And wrote 'omg what happened' and expected the girl to answer, over Facebook! If one of my close friend's relatives died, I would send them a text-message & then a card. Flowers & visits etc depending on how close the friend was etc. I wouldn't send them a Facebook message! If a close relative of mine died I imagine I would be so distraught I would do nothing but lie in bed listening to my iPod all day (then again I'm fairly addicted to social networking websites so I probably shouldn't speak so soon).
All that being said, I wouldn't mind if someone changed my status to 'is dead'...but given that I don't leave myself logged onto facebook anywhere, even on my personal laptop, I doubt that would happen. Actually, Facebook needs to create something for when someone DOES die on Facebook, so that their Facebook page can be deleted if/when no-one has access to their password and such. Surely it must cause pain for some people, just seeing it there.
Anyone want to write an email to Mark Zuckerberg for me? I've exhausted my complaints email abilities enough for one day :(
Friday, August 5, 2011
Good things and bad things, again.
***One of those posts where it's really just a list because I haven't got anything to write about but feel I've been neglecting the blog.
Good things:
- I finally learned how to take Screen Shots!!!! This is big news. I've only spent like two years wondering how to do this. Turns out, the snipping tool is shit and doesn't work, so the print screen button + Function is the way to go.
- MF Doom. Hell yes.
- Gabrielle on Secret Life of Us: "I think was a little bit hungover when She created men"
- Secret Life of Us making me feel nostaglic for the songs I used to love back in the day - I'm up to Season 3 at the moment, and there's this scene where the girls (Gab, George, Kel and Chloe) dance at Fu bar to Paul Mac - Just The Thing. It's such a perfect scene/song.
- Online deliveries
- New clothes = feeling HOT.
- Murphy got a haircut! My baby (my dog) has lost perhaps half his body weight in the process, but OMG he's so adorable...
Bad things:
- The fact that I relate to this post on thoughtcatalog so much. It's not cool to like thoughtcatalog (at least, it's not cool on tumblr) but every so often there's a really cool post I really like. The guy who wrote this is a genuis and, by the sounds of it, has also lost the battle against Internet addiction.
- WAITING. Hello Monash, I still exist...
- Going up 1.5 pant sizes and feeling like a failure. NO MORE MUFFINS. Cry. Whinge. Find car keys. Go buy cupcakes instead.
- Having two social outings on one night and not being able to choose.
- Pepper in food.
- My room was clean for about a week and I felt organised and motivated. That week has passed.
- Mum commenting on my facebook posts, and then everyone else being too scared to comment so they send me text messages instead (Hi Mum!!!)
Good things:
- I finally learned how to take Screen Shots!!!! This is big news. I've only spent like two years wondering how to do this. Turns out, the snipping tool is shit and doesn't work, so the print screen button + Function is the way to go.
- MF Doom. Hell yes.
- Gabrielle on Secret Life of Us: "I think was a little bit hungover when She created men"
- Secret Life of Us making me feel nostaglic for the songs I used to love back in the day - I'm up to Season 3 at the moment, and there's this scene where the girls (Gab, George, Kel and Chloe) dance at Fu bar to Paul Mac - Just The Thing. It's such a perfect scene/song.
- Online deliveries
- New clothes = feeling HOT.
- Murphy got a haircut! My baby (my dog) has lost perhaps half his body weight in the process, but OMG he's so adorable...
Bad things:
- The fact that I relate to this post on thoughtcatalog so much. It's not cool to like thoughtcatalog (at least, it's not cool on tumblr) but every so often there's a really cool post I really like. The guy who wrote this is a genuis and, by the sounds of it, has also lost the battle against Internet addiction.
- WAITING. Hello Monash, I still exist...
- Going up 1.5 pant sizes and feeling like a failure. NO MORE MUFFINS. Cry. Whinge. Find car keys. Go buy cupcakes instead.
- Having two social outings on one night and not being able to choose.
- Pepper in food.
- My room was clean for about a week and I felt organised and motivated. That week has passed.
- Mum commenting on my facebook posts, and then everyone else being too scared to comment so they send me text messages instead (Hi Mum!!!)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
thoughts on the train
As soon as I've left the house I'm automatically feeling like a wannabe hipster. Vintage floral dress - tick (but it's from the Vero Moda range off asos), denim jacket - tick (I rarely leave the house with this jacket & I've had it since I was 14), brown boots - tick, naturally (crazy, with horrible growing-out-phase highlights) wavy hair - tick. All with the exception of my Chloe sunglasses, Olivia Palermo style. I'd almost take a photo except that I don't know how to use the self-timer on my digital (read: not old-fashioned and funky) camera and I feel a bit myspace taking photo's of myself. (For the record, I ran into two fashion-forward lovelies from my work on my way home who approved of my outfit.)
Also, I am listening to CocoRosie (on the Sandringham line!) (note to dear loyal friends who read this: CocoRosie fits into the 'freak folk' genre) and I haven't been on Facebook for two hours, so clearly I am winning at life. My hair is even more of a mess due to the wind, but I score extra points because I walked the whole 1.5k's to the train station instead of driving. I've shoved a green bag in my handbag for shopping, but I forgot my keepcup. I am wearing anklet socks under my boots (you can't see them), but I am wondering, is this 'the thing' to do? I am unsure. But I can't possibly just have bare feet underneath my boots. Too uncomfortable.
six hours later: Fuck I forgot about school times. Bloody children on the train. Spent a shitload of money on clothes I could probably live without, but thank god for having new jeans that will actually fit me! One does not need four pairs, but oh well. I deserve it. Yes to bargain cord shorts that have actually got me excited for spring. FUCK YES for new Stereolab & Grizzly Bear - Friend EP. Oh and another Murakami book that I probably won't get around to reading for two years or so. Yes for cheap takeaway coffee in Degraves street. Man I've missed the city :)
Also, I am listening to CocoRosie (on the Sandringham line!) (note to dear loyal friends who read this: CocoRosie fits into the 'freak folk' genre) and I haven't been on Facebook for two hours, so clearly I am winning at life. My hair is even more of a mess due to the wind, but I score extra points because I walked the whole 1.5k's to the train station instead of driving. I've shoved a green bag in my handbag for shopping, but I forgot my keepcup. I am wearing anklet socks under my boots (you can't see them), but I am wondering, is this 'the thing' to do? I am unsure. But I can't possibly just have bare feet underneath my boots. Too uncomfortable.
six hours later: Fuck I forgot about school times. Bloody children on the train. Spent a shitload of money on clothes I could probably live without, but thank god for having new jeans that will actually fit me! One does not need four pairs, but oh well. I deserve it. Yes to bargain cord shorts that have actually got me excited for spring. FUCK YES for new Stereolab & Grizzly Bear - Friend EP. Oh and another Murakami book that I probably won't get around to reading for two years or so. Yes for cheap takeaway coffee in Degraves street. Man I've missed the city :)
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