Not nearly as funny as that post I wrote about buying condoms on self-serve, but hell, this is advice we all need.
1. The real basics: shopping centres have cops in the carparks these days, and fat security guards that probably aren’t that smart but definitely bigger than you. Pick a busy day, don’t look shifty, etc. As much as I’d prefer not to judge, being an old woman is your easiest disguise (Ruth gave good advice in Six Feet Under). You also need props: other shopping bags to put the things you’re stealing, a few cheap items you buy to get through the registers (a coke, chocolate bar, the newspaper etc) and maybe an accomplice.
2. Choose your prize. This means ruling out all items that attract attention (big things like TV’s DUH unless its Boxing Day cos apparently five or so got stolen through self serve last year LOLZ). The trick is to avoid anything with a magnetic barcode: expensive underwear (is the barcode thick? A bit silvery? If it is, rip the sticker off, the barcode is magnetic and will beep), doona covers/sheets, cosmetics (foundation/creams etc), apple accessories (commonly stolen). Of course, stealing anything with these codes is do-able, you just have to find yourself a nice corner that isn’t monitored by the TVs. And no staff members around. Things without magnetic barcodes: most clothing, appliances (check though), cds, jewellery, any packaged food items (not to be sniffed at, Lindt chocolates are not cheap!), books…most things really.
3. Step 2 is about choosing wisely to avoid detection once you’ve stolen the item, but you do have to make it past the self-serve machine. Usually when you first start scanning there is an option for ‘own bag’…what this does is re-set the weight of the machine, allowing you to put as much shit on it as you like. For instance, if you rock up with a ‘green bag’ you can dump a bunch of things you’ve stolen and say you bought them somewhere else. If you try and place what you want to steal in the bagging area without scanning THE MACHINE WILL DETECT YOU AND HAVE A MELTDOWN BECAUSE IT RECOGNIZES AN UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA. Don’t don’t do it, folks.
What to do: hide the item in another bag. Or, if its too big, the next best option is to work in pairs. Have a friend use another one of the machines at the same time as you, and this friend will have to pretend to buy ridiculous things like 10 slabs of coke or nappies or washing detergent - anything big that causes weight problems on the machines will do. Your friend will not have to buy anything - they just have to get so pissed off and say they’ll ’go to a normal register’ and then walk out, plenty of people do this. You will leave the item/s you want to steal on the side unscanned, and then while your friend is arguing with the attendant, walk out without paying. Make sure another customer/staff member isn’t watching you either, but that’s usually not a problem because everyone is too busy yelling at their own self-serve machine to notice.
4. Get the fuck out of the shopping centre IMMEDIATELY. Park your car close. We have security cameras on the self-serve machines now (though they’re not really monitored), and we have plain-clothed security people running all over. If you’re smart enough to steal something, you should be smart enough to know this.
